


The Key to Manliness

by TenshiWarrior



Series: Adventure of the Pines [6]
Category: Gravity Falls
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-10
Updated: 2016-06-14
Packaged: 2018-07-14 04:09:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,427
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7152923
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TenshiWarrior/pseuds/TenshiWarrior
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dipper along with Gary want to become more manly so that they won’t be made fun of in their family, and they’re are certain minotaurs that will help them achieve that goal Or should I say, Manotaurs? Meanwhile, Mabel, Mira, and Skyla try to hook up Stan with Lazy Susan when they realize he has a thing for her.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Quest Begins!

At the Mystery Shack, it was just as busy as it will ever be like one any other day. One of the customers, one by the name of Tyler was looking through the merchandise, trying to decide what to buy exactly.

 

“I like to get my christmas shopping done early.” He said, before turning to Stan and Skyla, “Do you have anything in the spirit of the season?”

 

Skyla picked up a bowl that was labeled crystals, “Would these crystals be to your liking?”

 

Tyler chuckled, “Those look broken glasses.”

 

“What are you a cop?” Stan said taking the bowl from Skyla’s hands.

 

“Ooo! What’s that new thing?” Tyler said, going over to what he saw.

 

The triplets had soon entered the room. “Grunkle Stan? Cousin Sky?” Dipper said getting their attention.

 

“Can we go to the diner to eat?” Mabel said before moving her stomach, “We’re hunnngggrrryyy…”

 

“Huuuunnnnnngggggrrryyyyy….” Mira said moving her stomach as well.

 

“Huuuuuuuunnnnnnnnggggggrrrrryyyyyy….” Dipper had also said moving his stomach too. The triplets started to bump each others stomach’s together, while they laughed. Skyla felt her shirt getting tugged, and soon realized it was her son Gary standing by her teen son Andrew. “Mom, please can we go to the diner?” Gary begged, being over dramatic, “I’ll die of hunger…”

 

“I am craving for some diner food right about now.” Andrew said.

 

“Sure Drew.” Skyla said, “As soon as this guy makes up his mind.”

 

Of course, Skyla was referring to Tyler, who was still deciding what to get. He was currently eyeing a fur trot. “Do you have this in another animal?” He asked.

 

Though none of them did answer his question. “Anyone got any complaints about locking him inside?” Stan asked, to which everyone had shook their head. They quickly and quietly exited the Shack, and locked him inside as he was deciding on which shirts to get. Stan got in his car with the triplets, while Skyla and her sons got in the other car, and they drove away with a quickness.

 

Eventually they had gotten to the diner, where it was just as busy as the Shack was on a daily basis. Andrew went to sit by Wendy when he saw she was in there eating some lunch as well, while the rest of the Pines family went to get a table big enough for six. They did and it was just near the back, and by the window.

 

They looked through the menu, and Lazy Susan had walked up to where they sat. “Lazy Susan,  there’s my little ray of sunshine!” Stan said, “Where were you yesterday?”  

 

“I got hit by a bus!” Susan said with a smile. Stan was the only one at the table who laughed out loud. “Hilarious!” He said.

 

“Thank you!” Lazy Susan said back while she laughed.

 

Skyla made her order, “I’m fine with some salad, but go easy on the dressing.”

 

Lazy Susan wrote her order down. “Anything else?” She asked.

 

“You do split plates right?” Stan asked Lazy Susan.

 

“Maybe.” Lazy Susan replied, before making her lazy eye wink, “Wink! Wink!”

 

“Great!” Stan said, before making the order, “The rest of us will just split one fourth of the number seven, plus free salad dressing for the ladies, and two small ketchup plates for the boys.” The kids groaned as Lazy Susan went to get their order.

 

“But Grunkle Stan, I want pancakes.” Mabel said tugging on his sleeve.

 

“Yeah, come on!” Mira said before chanting, “Pancakes! Pancakes! Pancakes!”

 

“With the fancy flour that use nowadays?” Stan said, “What am I made of money?” Stan saw that some money was showing from sleeve and went to push it back in. “Tap, tap.” He said.

 

Gary looked to his mother, “Mom, can we please have pancakes?”

 

“I’m sorry honey, but not today.” Skyla said, “Maybe next time.”

 

Dipper looked over the diner and saw that there was a Manliness Tester just at the other side of the diner. He had hatched an idea, “Don’t worry guys.” He said, “Pancakes are on me, I’m gonna win some by beating that manliness tester.”

 

The whole table went silent.

 

“Manliness Tester?” Stan said with a raised eyebrow.

 

“Beating?” Mabel said with the same expression as Stan.

 

Stan and Mabel had started to burst out laughing; Skyla had stifled a laughter, though Mira and Gary didn’t seem to have found it funny. “I don’t get what’s so funny about that?” Gary said.

 

“Me neither.” Mira said.

 

“Yeah, what’s so funny?” Dipper asked. Mabel said after she caught her breath from laughing, “No offense Dipper, but you’re not exactly **_Manly Mannington_ **. Ha! Ha!”

 

Dipper felt insulted by that, “Hey! I am too **_Manny--_ ** or **_Manly_ ** \-- Whatever it is you said.”

 

“Dipper is manly enough!” Gary said.

 

“I still don’t see why you think it’s funny?” Mira said.

 

“Come on, he’s gotta face the music kid.” Stan said, “Dipper’s got no muscles, he smells like baby wipes.”

 

“And do we have to mention last Tuesday’s little, **_incident_ **?” Skyla asked.

 

Dipper’s face turned red at this as he thought back to what happened.

* * *

- **_Last Tuesday_ ** -

 

_Skyla was looking around the shack for something. “Mom? What is it?” Andrew asked when he noticed his mother looking for something. “Have you seen my CD and radio?” Skyla asked her son, “I could’ve sworn I left it around here somewhere.”_

 

_Andrew thought about it for a moment, “Oh, I think I saw Dipper with it a minute ago.”_

 

_“Dipper?” Skyla said with confusion._

 

_Upstairs in the bathroom Dipper was dancing and singing to a song that was on Skyla’s borrowed radio._

 

**_Disco girl! Coming through! That girl is you!_ **

 

_Dipper was suddenly startled when Stan had entered the bathroom._

 

 _“_ **_DON’T COME IN! DON’T COME IN!_ ** _”  He yelled._

* * *

 - **_Present_ ** -

 

“You were listening to girly Icelandic pop sensation BABBA?” Mira asked her brother.

 

Dipper laughed nervously as he replied, “No, I wasn’t listening to it, I was uh… Criticizing it! But that’s not the point! Look you guys I’m pretty masculine. You see this chest hair?” Dipper brought down his shirt to show them his chest hair; though Mabel and Stan were blinded by the fact that Dipper didn’t have chest hair at all.

 

“ **PUT IT AWAY! PUT IT AWAY!** ” Mabel shouted.

 

“ **SO SMOOTH!** ” Stan exclaimed, “ **MY EYES!!** ”

 

“Oh brother…” Skyla said shaking her head, “I know you’re trying to say Dipper’s not manly, but you guys are being overdramatic…”

 

Dipper quickly hid his chest and once again blushed out of embarrassment, “Aw man…” Mabel and Stan started to laugh again.

 

“Fine family of little faith.” Dipper said getting up from his seat, “Get ready to eat your words.”

 

“And some delicious pancakes!” Mira added.

 

“What she said.” Dipper said.  

 

Dipper got up from his seat and walked to the machine, rolling up his sleeves as he did. As he walked to the machine everyone in the diner turned to him. Dipper looked at the handle, though he felt himself start to sweat nervously. “Okay Dipper, you can do this… Time to man handle this man… Handle.”

 

Dipper reached for the handle, “And a one and a two--”

 

“ **QUIT STALLING!** ” He heard Stan shout.

 

Dipper took a deep breath and pulled the handle. It went up from wimp, to middle-age woman, to barely possible, to man and about to go to manly man, though it went back down to wimp. It had printed out a card that had read “You’re a cutie patootie!”

 

“Oh what?” Dipper said, “This thing must be broken.”

 

Gary walked up, “Let me take a crack at it.”

 

“Gary, no offense but you’re not exactly manly either.” Skyla said, “Not to mention you don’t have chest hair.”  

 

Gary had gotten slightly irritated at that, “I too am manly, just watch me!” He said before pulling on the handle. Though the meter didn’t go very far; it was at wimp much like Dipper. He had even gotten the same card.

 

“Dang it!” Gary mumbled as he turned red from embarrassment.

 

Dipper tried to make up an excuse on why this had happened, “This thing must be broken guys. It’s like the million years old, probably ran out of steam--” He had stopped in mid-sentence when Manly Dan approached the machine. “It’s rickety man you probably shouldn’t--” Gary said before getting pushed out of the way along with Dipper by him.

 

All Manly Dan did was push the machine handle with his pinky and the machine had basically imploded, causing the pancakes to fly and land on everyone's plate. “ **YES!** ” He shouted, “ **FREE PANCAKES FOR EVERYONE!** ”

 

Everyone in the diner cheered  loudly when they had gotten their pancakes.

 

Dipper and Gary looked at one another and both thought of the same thing. “We gotta get chest hair and fast!” Dipper said to Gary.

 

“My thoughts exactly!” Gary said before shouting, “ **ONWARD!** ” With that he ran out the door and Dipper followed, though he tripped on the way out. “I’m okay, I’m okay.” Dipper said before walking out the door.

 

“Wow…” Skyla said speechless, “Sounds like they both serious.”

 

“And exactly how am I related to those two?” Stan asked, rhetorically of course.

 

“Grunkle Stan don’t be like that.” Mira said, before asking, “You have a soft spot too don’t you?”

 

“Nope.” Stan replied, “There’s nothing but a cold dark empty soul.”

 

They all suddenly jumped when a plate was suddenly put in front of Stan, by Lazy Susan. “Food!” She said.

 

“Thanks sugar pot.” Stan stammered, which earned a look from his daughter and nieces, “I--I mean  honey wasp, kitten baby, ba--baby cow.”

 

Lazy Susan laughed, “Ha! Ha! Silly!” She walked away from the table, “Silly…”

 

Skyla raised an eyebrow at this, “Dad… Why were you stammering?”

 

“Yeah, what was that about?” Mira asked.

 

Stan started to stammer again as he replied, “No--Nothing, I don’t want to talk about it! Talk about what? Why is this table wet?”

 

Skyla, Mira and Mabel’s eyes soon widened in realization. “Wait! Hold the phone!” Mabel said to Stan, “We’re all thinking the same thing ladies! You…”

 

“No!”

 

“And her…”

 

“Stop it!”

 

“ **AAAHHH!!** ”

 

“Oh boy…”

 

“You have a thing for Lazy Susan.” Mabel said before making a cute face.

 

“Oh my gosh Grunkle Stan!” Mira said with a kitten face, “That is so adorable!”

 

“Wow dad.” Skyla said, “You sly dog. And here I thought you said you didn’t have a soft spot.”

 

Stan immediately shushed all of them, “Keep it down you three!” Stan said, “Alright I admit it okay? It would be nice if she liked me.”

 

“Than go talk to her.” Skyla said to him, “You’ve got your charm, so use it.”

 

“Sky, you know I haven’t been with anyone else, not since your mother.” Stan said, “I’ve been out of the game for so long I wouldn’t even know where to start. I mean just look at her… She’s so classy.”

 

The girls looked to where Lazy Susan who was hitting the pie trolley, “Spin you pies, spin!” She said.

 

“Don’t worry Grunkle Stan.” Mira said, “We can help you with Lazy Susan.”

 

“Really?” Stan asked.  

 

Mabel than said, “Grunkle Stan, you’re a cranky, gross, weird old man. But we will get Lazy Susan to like you because nothing is more stronger than the power of--”

 

“Love?” Stan said.

 

“Us.” Mabel said, “But mostly Mabel.”

 

Mabel took the small bowl next to Stan’s food.

 

“ **TO VICTORY!** ” She said as she chugged it down.

 

“Mabel, you just drank salad dressing.” Mira pointed out.

 

“I know, and I’m okay with that.” Was all that Mabel said.


	2. The Manotaur

Dipper and Gary were both walking along the streets of the small town. Both of them were equally distraught at the fact that they couldn’t beat that manly tester. “Gah… I can’t believe I humiliated myself like that.” Gary said rubbing his forehead, “Who cares what they think, we can be manly!” Gary said.

 

Dipper wasn’t really listening to; he was just busy mumbling to himself. “Not manly enough, stupid lumberjack, stupid machine…”

 

“Hey Dipper.” Gary said, “Don’t let what they say get to you.”

 

“But there has to be some way that we can get-- **AGH!** ”

 

Dipper was suddenly cut off when him and Gary were suddenly sprayed by water. After coughing out water a couple of times, they noticed that just across the street, a fire hydrant was broken, and officers Blubs and Durland were examining it.

 

“Another hydrant destroyed.” Blubs said, “It’s just a gosh darn mystery.”

 

“Wanna take our uniforms off and run around in circles?” Durland asked.

 

Though in the next second Blubs had his shirt off, “Quit reading my mind.”

 

Durland and Blubs both started to run around in circles spinning around their shirts as they did. “Well, that was unexpected.” Gary said. Just than they bumped into a young woman. “Oh I’m sorry.” The lady said, “I was looking for the mail man.”

 

Dipper had started to say, “Oh, what? Are you saying that I’m **_not_ ** a male man? Is that what you’re trying to say? I’m not a male? I’m not a man? Is that--is that what you’re getting at?”

 

“Whoa Dipper, easy there buddy.” Gary said.

 

“Are you crying?” The woman asked concerned.

 

Dipper was trying real hard not to cry in front of him, but it was harder than it looked to hold back his tears. Gary immediately grabbed his hand he ran with Dipper into the forest not too far from the town. A few hours had passed and both Dipper and Gary were trying to see if they can get their chest hair. Gary was struggling to do push ups while Dipper was trying to bench press, but with a stick.

 

“3… 4… 5…” They both said, struggling with it, “6...7!”

 

Gary fell flat on his stomach catching his breath while Dipper tossed the stick to the side. “Man…” Gary said sitting up, “This is… Way more difficult than it looks…”

 

They both looked at their chest, but sighed in disappointment. “No chest hair.” Dipper said.

 

“I don’t have it either.” Gary said, “How do grown ups do it?”

 

Gary took out a bag of beef jerky; Dipper looked on the bag which had the logo which had said, “ _You’re Inadequate!_ ”. “You said it brother.” Dipper said to the bag, “We’re gonna need help if we wanna get that chest hair.”

 

“Yeah, but who would know about things like this?” Gary asked as he opened the bag, “Want some jerky?”

 

“No thanks.” Dipper said.

 

Gary shrugged before taking one piece of jerk and eating it.

 

Just than they felt the ground start to shake around them the area they were in. In the distance they heard loud rumbling sound. They saw all animals run in the opposite direction of the noise, even Manly Dan.

 

“ **FOR THE MOTHER OF ALL THAT IS HOLY, RUN!!** ” He yelled as he ran past them.

 

A tree soon fell over almost landing on Dipper, but he was quick to move; Gary immediately ran beside him still holding the bag of jerky. A monstrous figure came towards the two boys; they backed up and tripped over the tree that had fallen earlier.

 

They both let out a scream, though Dipper’s voice was a bit high pitch. “Wait, sorry.” Dipper said before screaming a lower octave.

 

“Seriously? We’re possibly about to die right now and you’re worried about a little thing like that?” Gary said.

 

The monstrous figure came into the light and they saw what appeared to be a minotaur. He let out another tremendous roar, but had quickly transitioned into a yawn, as he was stretching. Grabbing a deer from a nearby bush, he used it’s antlers to scratch his back before tossing the deer to the side. The deer got up no problem as it didn’t appear to be injured. He looked over to where the boys were; the two of them couldn’t help but cower in fear.

 

Gary screamed, “ **PLEASE, PLEASE DON’T EAT US! I TASTE AWFUL FOR ONE THING!** ”

 

“ **I HAVEN’T SHOWERED! IN LIKE A WEEK!** ” Dipper yelled, “ **NOT TO MENTION I’M WEAK AT THE ELBOWS! ELBOWS AND GRISTLE!!** ”

 

“ **YOU...!!** ” The minotaur shouted at them, pointing to Gary in particular, “... Gonna finish that?” Dipper and Gary didn’t really know what he was talking about until they realized the minotaur was pointing at the bag of jerky he was holding.

 

“Oh…” Gary said, “No, you can have it.” He threw the bag to the minotaur; he started to eat the bag of the jerky.

 

“I can’t believe it…” Dipper said with disbelief, “You’re part animal, part human.”

 

“Are you supposed to be some kind of minotaur or something?” Gary asked.

 

“ **I’M A MANOTAUR!!** ” He said, “Half man! Half---Uh… **TAUR!** ”

 

Dipper asked the Manotaur, “So did we, or one of us summon you or something?”

 

“The smell of jerky summoned me!” The Manotaur said before punching a tree and smashing a rock as he yelled, “ **JERKY!!** ”

 

Just than he caught a certain scent in the air; he smelled Dipper and Gary.

 

“I smell…” The Manotaur said as he posed dramatically, “... Emotional issues.”

 

Dipper and Gary nodded there heads. “We have problems manotaur.”  Dipper said, “Man related problems.” The Manotaur sat down and patted his leg, basically saying it was okay to tell him.

 

The Manotaur listened as Dipper explained, “Well, my own uncle called me a wimp, and I kind of flunked this manliness video game, I was pretty much embarrassed. “

 

“Than I tried beating the manliness tester, kind of got irritated when my mom told me that I wasn’t manly either but when I tried it,  I ended up getting humiliated.” Gary said.

 

Dipper hatched an idea, “Hey, you seem pretty manly. Maybe you could give me and Gary some pointers.” The Manotaur thought about it for only a moment, before saying to them, “Very well, climb up on back hair, children.”

 

Dipper and Gary couldn’t help but cringe when they saw that flies buzzed around his back hair. “That’s disgusting…” Gary couldn’t help but say, “No offense to you manotaur.”

 

Dipper sighed and said, “Well, let’s do this.”

 

Dipper and Gary climbed up on the Manotaurs back and th.us they began to move. The Manotaur ran through the forest and crashed through the trees that stood in the way. At one point Dipper was hit by a bird's nest with baby birds, though luckily Gary moved the bird’s nest into another tree they had they were about to run past.  

 

“ **DUDE LOOKOUT!** ” Dipper shouted when he saw the Manotuar running towards the edge.

 

“ **ARE YOU CRAZY!?** ” Gary shouted.

 

The Manotuar leapt off of the edge and Dipper and Gary couldn’t help but scream. Before they knew it they had landed inside the mountain, and the next thing they both knew, they found themselves in the cave. The climbed off of the Manotaurs back and they couldn’t help but look at it in awe. There were even more Manotaurs inside the cave, either punching each other, or lifting makeshift weights.

 

“Holy cow…” Gary said.  

 

“Whoa…” Dipper said speechless.

 

“The gnomes live in the forest.” The Manotuar said, “The merpeople live in the water, cause’ they’re losers! But we Manotaurs, crash in the... **MAN CAVE!** ” The Manotuar had rang a gong nearby to get the other Manotaurs attention.

 

“ **BEASTS!** ” He said, “I have bought you… Two hairless children!” He had pushed Dipper and Gary forward.

 

“S’up?” Dipper said.

 

“Uh… Hi?” Gary said awkwardly. The Manotuar that had bought Dipper and Gary into the man cave introduced the other Manotaurs and than himself, “This is uh, Pubertar, Testosteror, Pituitor, and I’m Chutzpar. And you two are?”

 

“My name’s Dipper, and this is Gary.” Dipper said. The Manotaurs booed at those names.

 

“Dipper the Destructor and Gary the Devastator!” Gary immediately said, to which the Manotaurs mumbled in agreement at those names.

 

“Dipper the Destructor and Gary the Devastator wish to learn the secrets to our manliness.”

 

“We’ve got a problem here you guys!” Dipper said, before Gary and him showed them their bare chest, “Look at this!”

 

The Manotaurs gasped at this. “I must confirm with the high council for this.” One of the Manotaurs said. They Manotaurs had huddle together and started to console with one another.

 

“So do we teach them our man secrets or what?”

 

“They’re humans, I don’t like them.”

 

“ **I DON’T LIKE YOUR FACE!** ”

 

The Manotaurs had started to punch one another, as Dipper and Gary watched from the sidelines.

 

“I like these guys.” Dipper said with a smile.

 

“Ditto to that.” Gary said.

* * *

 - ** _At the Mystery Shack_ ** -

 

Mabel, Mira and Skyla were in the living room with Stan who was currently shuffling cards. “Okay Grunkle Stan.” Mabel said with a smile, “Welcome to the first day of whatever is left of your life! Before we get started, let’s take a before picture.”

 

Mabel pulled out a camera and snapped a photo of Stan, catching him by surprise.

 

“One thing you should know about Mabel Grunkle Stan.” Mira said, “Mabel never misses an opportunity to put a new photo in her scrapbook.”

 

“I like to call it a scrapbookertunity!”  Mabel said as she put the photo in the scrapbook, “Doodledoo memories.”

 

“Now that’s done.” Skyla said, “It’s time to start the lesson for the day. We’ll begin with some good old fashion roleplaying. Soos will be playing the role as Lady Susan.”

 

They all turned to Soos, and they saw him dressed up like Lady Susan, make-up in all. Wendy and Andrew had just finished putting makeup on him.

 

“I’m soft like a woman.” Soos said.

 

“Alright Grunkle Stan, show us how you approach a woman.” Mira said, “Just remember this is a safe non-judgemental environment.”

 

“We’ll just off on the sides judging you on a scale of one to ten.” Mabel said taking out a notepad.

 

Stan approached Soos, as the ladies watched how Stan was gonna pretend to talk to a woman. Though each of them were shocked to see Stan spit to the side and ask, “Can I borrow some money?”

 

Mabel immediately blew on the whistle. While Skyla slapped herself in the face, and Mira just sat there with a stunned expression. “Wow… He wasn’t kidding when he said he was out of the game.” Skyla said.

 

“This is gonna be harder than I thought.” Mabel said.

  
Mira said to them, “Don’t worry, we can do this.” She than mumbled, “I hope.”


	3. What Makes A Real Man

Up in the man cave where the Manotaurs lived, the group had finished discussing on what to do with Dipper and Gary. “Alright.” One of the Manotaurs said, “After a lot of punching, we have decided… To deny your requests to learn our manly secrets.”

 

Dipper and Gary looked at the Manotaurs with disbelief.

 

“Seriously!?” Gary said, “You can’t teach us?! You guys are such--”

 

Dipper stopped Gary and he said to the Manotaurs, “Ok, fine. That’s alright with the both of us. Obviously you guys think it would be too hard to train us. Maybe your not **_man_ ** enough to try.”

 

One of the Manotaurs stepped forward obviously irritated, “Not **MAN** enough?”

 

“Destructor…” Chutzpar said a bit concerned.

 

“ **_NOT MAN ENOUGH?_ ** ” The Manotaur said again.

 

“He didn’t mean it.” Chutzpar told his fellow Manotaur.

 

The Manotaur said to Dipper and Gary, “I have three Y chromosomes, six adam’s apples, pecs on my abs, and **FISTS FOR NIPPLES!** ”

 

Though they were a bit crept out by this, Gary seemed to go along with what Dipper was trying to do, “Really? From the way I see it, your scared to teach us. Your scared to teach us how to be a man.”

 

Dipper put his hand to his ear, “Hey Gary? Do you hear that?”

 

“Yeah, that sounds like…” Gary said before making several bococks sound. “That sounds like a bunch of chickens!” Gary said pointing to the group of Manotaurs.  The Manotaurs gasped and they once again huddled to talk to one another.

 

“I feel all weird.”

 

“They’re using some sort of brain magic!”

 

They turned back to Dipper and Gary. “After a second round of deliberation, we have decided to help you both become a man!” The Manotuar said.

 

The Manotaurs started to chant the word man.

 

“Great! Thanks guys.” Dipper said, “We will not let you down.”

 

“So… When do we start?” Gary asked.

* * *

 

Dipper and Gary found themselves in front of a small hole in the middle of the forest. There was a sign that was simply labeled, “Pain Hole”.

 

“Being a man is about conquering your fear.” Chutzpar said.

 

“For your first man test, you must plunge your fist- **INTO THE PAIN HOLE!** ” Testosteror said, shouting at the last part of the sentence. “The pain what now?” Gary said questioningly.

 

“Is that really necessary?” Dipper asked.

 

“Gary the Devastator, you will go first.” Chutzpar said.

 

“O--okay I guess.” Gary said stepping forward. Gary kneeled down in front of the pain hole and put his fist inside. At first Gary didn’t feel anything.

 

“Huh…” Gary said, “Actually this isn’t really half ba--- **AAAGGGGHHH!!! OOOOOWWWWW!!!** ” Gary suddenly cried out. Gary pulled his hand after only 10 minutes and he rubbed his fist. Dipper quickly ran over to him, “Gary! Omigosh are you okay!?”

 

“That hurt... So much!” Gary said before saying with a smile, “I feel more like a man.”

 

“Really?” Dipper said nervously, “I don’t know if--”   


“Come on, don’t you wanna be a man?” Gary asked.

 

Dipper thought about that question and just let out a sigh. He went over to the pain hole and placed his hand inside; though it wasn’t long till he let out a scream as well.

* * *

 

- **_At the Mystery Shack_ ** -

 

Once again, the ladies sat in the Living Room with Grunkle Stan sitting just across them.

 

“So the most important thing about having a relationship is inner beauty.” Skyla said, “Depending on the who the lady is, she won’t really care much on what they see on the outside, but when they have a look on the inside, that’s when they get really hooked.”

 

“So in this next lesson we’re gonna be working on showing through that inner beauty with a simple smile.” Mira said, “Go on, let’s have a look at that smile.”

 

Stan did his best to smile, though really it turned more into a sneer than anything.

 

“Smile harder.” Mabel demanded.

 

Stan still struggled to get that smile, though really it still looked unconvincing.

 

“Harder!” Mabel shouted getting up from her chair.

 

Stan groaned trying to get a smile but still had no such luck.

 

“ **HARDER!** ” Mabel yelled. Stan still did his best to get that smile until finally she was satisfied with the results.

 

“Perfect.” She said; Though Mira and Skyla looked unconvinced. “Mabel I’m not sure this would work as a smile.” Mira said to her sister with honesty.

 

“Yeah… You sure this counts?” Skyla asked her cousin.

 

“Positive!” Mabel said with confidence before calling out to someone, “ **HEY SOOS!** ”

 

Soos came into the room eating a sandwich, “Sup hambone?” He said.

 

“Tell me, what do you think?” She asked gesturing over to Stan. Though as soon as Soos looked at Stan, he immediately threw his sandwich right onto the ceiling as he let out a scream, then he ran straight out the front door. “... I’m pretty sure that smile didn’t work out.” Skyla said.

 

“This is indeed a challenge.” Mira said.

 

Mabel let out a sigh, “This is gonna take some really great training music.” Mabel took out a CD and put it in the radio that had sat on the table and played what was on the CD.

* * *

 

Hours had passed since Dipper and Gary met the Manotaurs and so far things were going well for them with every test they were taking. Every test they took and succeeded in, they were just one step closer to becoming a man. True the tests were challenging, but they managed to get through it with flying colors.

 

Now they were currently taking a break in the hot springs just located in the mountain. Dipper and Gary sighed with relaxation since the hot spring just felt so good. They sat back in the hot spring just enjoying the sensation. “This is the best.” Gary said.

 

Dippe said to the Manotaur, “Guys, I just wanna say that these last few hours have been… I--I feel like there’s really been some growth.”

 

“ **I HAVE A GROWTH!** ” A Manotaur named Clark shouted, showing that he really did have a growth.

 

Dipper and Gary laughed. “Oh man Clark, you’re hilarious today.” Gary said.

 

Dipper continued, “It’s just that, you guys took us under your wing, and have just been supportive.”

 

“Oh stop.” Chutzpar said.

 

“No, no, no, he means it.” Gary said, “You guys really have been. I think we’re becoming more of a man.”

 

“Not yet Destructor and Devastator.” Chutzpar said to them, “One final task remains. The deadliest trial of them all.”

 

“We’ve survived forty-nine trials!” Dipper said with his fist in the air, “Whatever it is, bring it on!”

 

“ **YEAH!!** ” The Manotaurs cheered. Thus the Manotaurs had gotten them ready for their final trial. They temp tattoos on their bodies as well as war paint under their eyes. They were both prepared for this; no matter what came their way they were gonna complete the final task.

 

“Behold, our leader.” Chutzpar said.

 

Dipper and Gary turned and saw on elder looking Manotaur, wearing a black robe. He was humming to himself.

 

“Wow…” Gary said, “Check out that dinosaur.”

 

Dipper asked Chutzpar, “So is he like the oldest, or the wisest or something?”

 

He raised his hand slowly, “Greetings young-- **AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!** ” Dipper and Gary jumped when the old Manotaur was suddenly eaten by an even larger Manotaur; Their jaws couldn’t help but drop.

 

“Naw, he was just the offering.” Chutzpar said pointing to the larger Manotaur, “That’s our leader, Leaderaur.”

 

“You could’ve told us that five minutes ago?” Gary said to Chutzpar giving him a look.

 

As soon as Leaderaur finished eating the old Manotaur, he spoke with a deep voice to Dipper and Gary. “You both wish to be a man?” They both answered by roaring and banging their chest; the Manotaurs cheered at this.

 

“Then you both must perform this heroic act.” Learderaur said; He reached into his chest and pulled out a pair of spears and tossed them both at Dipper and Gary’s feet, “... You must each bring back a head… Of a **_Multi-Bear._ ** ”

 

All the Manotaurs gasped at this.

 

“What’s a Multi-Bear?” Dipper asked with a quizzical expression.

 

“If I could hazard a guess, I would say it’s some sort of a bear.” Gary said.

 

“He’s our sworn enemy!” Leaderaur explained, “Conquer him and your mansformations will be complete!”

 

Both Dipper and Gary had unsure looks on their faces. “Conquer?” Gary said, “That’s putting it a bit harsh don’t you think?”

 

“Look, I don’t know man…” Dipper said rubbing the back of his neck nervously. Chutzpar looked through Dipper’s backpack and pulled out a CD; of course the CD read BABA. “Destructor, is this yours?” Chutzpar said showing the CD to him.

 

Dipper immediately swiped it from his hand, “Oh no! I don’t know whose that is, I was just borrowing it! It’s a friends not mine.” He said before laughing nervously.

 

“Well that’s kind of embarrassing.” Gary said awkwardly. Though he was quick to realize that they were looking through Gary’s stuff too. One of them took out a picture of him with his mom, and the caption read momma’s boy.

 

“Devastator is this you?” One of the Manotaurs asked.

 

“ **NOPE! NOT MINE!** ” Gary shouted before he had smacked the picture out of his hand.

 

The Manotaurs looked at one another all unsure to this. Dipper and Gary looked to each other and sighed. They both picked up the spears.

 

“ **WE SHALL CONQUER THE MULTI-BEAR!!** ” Dipper shouted, raising his spear into the air. The Manotaurs cheered and Leaderaur spout fire from his nose, some of the fire landed on himself and Gary but they patted themselves down. Thus they left the man-cave and journeyed to where the Multi-Bear was.

* * *

 

- **_Meanwhile_ ** -

 

After hours and hours of lessons and such the ladies think that they had finally managed to get Stan to lady material.

 

“Okay.” Mira said “It took hours and hours of hard work but I think we finally got you to be an eligible bachelor.”

 

Mabel held up the before picture, “This is how you started out, but now…” Mabel lowered the picture than Stan looked even worse than he did in the before picture, and that was just him wearing his usually undershirt and boxers. His clothes were a mess, and was covered in his own sweat.

 

“Can I scratch myself now?” Stan asked.

 

“No, no, no!” Mabel said tearing the before picture in half, “This is even worse than before!”

 

“Is that… Throw up on your shirt?” Mira asked.

 

Stan looked at the stain on his shirt than answered, “I don’t know how to answer that.”

 

Skyla sighed, “Well, we tried our best with this, but we’re just gonna have to face facts. He’s unfixable like the that pie spinner in the diner.”

 

All three of them sighed, but their eyes widened in realization at the last part. “Are we all thinking the same thing?” Mira asked.

 

“I think we are.” Skyla said with a smile she turned to Stan, “Dad, come with us!”

 

The three of them ran out the door, though Mabel peeked back into the room and said, “And leave your pants at home!”

 

“With pleasure.” Stan said before following them out the door.

* * *

 

With hours and hours of walking through the forest out of the way, Dipper and Gary had finally made it to where the Multi-Bear lived; A cave high up into the mountain. They both entered the cave with spears in hand armed and ready for whatever was in the cave.

 

“What exactly is a Multi-Bear anyway?” Gary asked Dipper.

 

“Who knows, just keep your eyes open.” Dipper said.

 

Suddenly from the shadows in the cave, stood a monster about eight feet tall. They noticed that it was behind them and turned to see that it was a bear but with multiple heads all over it’s body. The top head let out a roar and Dipper and Gary let out a gasp.

 

“Oooohhh…” Dipper said, “That’s a Multi-Bear.”

 

“I thought it was just multiple bears leaving in the cave.” Gary said, earning a look from Dipper, “Hey, honest, I did think that.” Many of the other bear heads started to roar, and the top head spoke.

 

“Bear heads!” He said, “Silence!” He started to smack one of the heads to get them to stop roaring, “Why have you both come here?”

 

“Multi-Bear! We seek your head!” Dipper said.

 

“Or heads, I guess?” Gary said, “What there’s like, six, no wait nine heads you got there?”

 

“This is foolish!” The Multi-Bear said, “Leave now or die!”

 

Dipper and Gary stood their ground, and armed themselves with the spears. The Multi-Bear understood that they weren’t going to go down without a fight. “So be it.” He said before charging at them. Dipper and Gary immediately split up on different sides of the cave. The Multi-Bear smacked a pile of bones towards them, to which they both ducked behind a rock to avoid the bones.

 

Gary ran to the Multi-Bear at attacked him head on keeping him distracted while Dipper ran behind the Multi-Bear, and used the other bear heads to jump to the main head and choked him, causing him to fall on his back. Dipper and Gary toward over the Multi-Bear.

 

“ **REAL MEN SHOW NO MERCY!** ” Dipper and Gary both shouted.

 

The Multi-Bear sighed, “Very well warriors. But will you grant a magical beast, one last request?”

 

Dipper and Gary looked at one another before turning back the Multi-Bear.

 

“I… Guess.” Dipper said as he shrugged.

 

“What do you want?” Gary asked.

 

“I wish to die, listening to my favorite song.” The Multi-Bear said as he gestured over to a tape player that sat nearby. Dipper walked over to the tape player.

 

“The tape is already in there.” The Multi-Bear said to Dipper, “Just hit the play button.”

 

Dipper pressed the play button, and it played a familiar song; It was playing Disco Girl. The Multi-Bear bobbed his head to the song, and Dipper and Gary were in disbelief by this.

 

“Isn’t that the song you… Listen to?” Gary asked Dipper.

 

Dipper noticed a CD box just on the floor, and he saw that the name BABA.

 

“You listen to BABA too?” Dipper asked the Multi-Bear, “I--I love BABA.”

 

“I thought I was the only one.” Multi-Bear said, “All the Manotaurs make fun of me because I know all the words to the song… **_Disco Girl_ **.”

 

Dipper went over to Multi-Bear, “Oh? You mean? **_Disco Girl…_ ** ”

 

Both him and Multi-Bear started to sing.

 

**_Coming through_ **

**_That girl is you_ **

**_Ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo_ **

 

Dipper couldn’t help but laugh, “I--I can’t believe it. Finally someone who understands, I didn’t think it would--”

 

They saw the look on Multi-Bears face.

 

“Oh, that’s right.” Gary said, “I guess we’re supposed to kill you now, otherwise we can’t both be a man.”

 

“Not to worry.” Multi-Bear said, turning away from them, “I accept my fate.”

 

Once again Dipper and Gary had an unsure look on their faces. “Are--Are you sure?” Dipper asked while stammering.

 

“It’s for the best.” The Multi-Bear said. Both Dipper and Gary couldn’t help but think about this. Though it didn’t take long for them to realize what exactly they should do.

* * *

“We’re not gonna do it.”

 

Dipper and Gary stood before the leader of the Manotaurs after returning from the Multi-Bears cave. They both decided that the best course of action was to not kill the Multi-Bear. Though the Manotaurs couldn’t help but be in complete and utter shock by this.

 

“You both were told that the price of man is the multi-bears head!” Leadertaur said.

 

Gary said to them, “Hey, you listen to us Leadertaur, Tesosteraur, Pubertaur, and…” Gary stopped at one of the Manotaurs, “I don’t know what’s-your-name Beardy?”

 

“It’s Beardy.” The Manotaur clarified for him.

 

“You keep telling us that being a man means doing all these tasks, and being aggrel all the time, but I’m starting to think that all this is malarky!” The Manotaurs gasped at this.

 

“You heard him, malarky ( **_Whatever that means_ ** )!” Gary said, “Okay, yeah, we don’t have muscles or chest hair when it comes to girly pop songs with Dipper, he leaves it on! Because darn it, top 40 hit songs, are in the top 40 with good reason! They’re catchy to him! And sure I may be a momma’s boy and sure I may get embarrassed by it, but I still love her! She’s the best mom a kid could ever want!”

 

“Destructor, Devastator what are you saying?” Chutzpar asked.

 

“We’re saying that the Multi-Bear is a nice guy. And your all a bunch of jerks if you want us to cut off his head!” Dipper said to the Manotaurs.

 

“Yeah, you guys are bullies!” Gary yelled.

 

Leadertaur stood up from his seat and broke the spears as he roared.

 

“ **KILL THE MULTI-BEAR OR NEVER BE A MAN!** ” Leadertaur yelled right in their faces.

 

Both Dipper and Gary stood their ground.

 

“Than, I guess we’ll never be men.” Was all Dipper said.

 

All the Manotaurs started to boo at them, though the two boys weren’t phased by it.

 

“Hey guys, who wants to go build something and knock it down!” Chutzpar shouted to his fellow Manotaurs. Thus they went to do just that, while Dipper and Gary made their way out of the man-cave.

* * *

 

- **_At that Moment_ ** -

 

Mabel, Mira and Skyla entered the diner with Stan, finding Lazy Susan hitting the pie trolley like she did this morning.

 

“ **SPIN! SPIN!** ” She yelled at the pie trolley as she continued to hit it.

 

“Lazy Susan.” Mabel said getting her attention, “Listen, I know he’s not much to look at, but your always fixing stuff in the diner, and if you like fixing stuff, nothing can use more fixing than my Grunkle Stan. Also women live longer than men so your dating pool is smaller and you should really lower your standards.”

 

“So Lazy Susan…” Stan said, “What do you say?”

 

Lazy Susan only took one glance before leaving, which left Stan heartbroken. Just when they were about to leave--

 

“Hey!” They turned around and they saw Lazy Susan had holding a piece of paper with a phone number written on it. “Here’s my number.” Lazy Susan said handing it over to Stan, “Why don’t you give me a call sometime?”

 

“Really?” Stan said with disbelief.

 

“Really!” She said before laughing. She had than placed a fresh piece of pie on the table they usually sat in. “Also, here’s some pie, on the house, for you!” With that she took her leave. Mabel, Mira and Skyla cheered at this. “Grunkle Stan we did it!” Mira said.

 

“I knew you still had it in you dad!” Skyla said, giving a friendly punch on his arm.

 

They took their seat as Stan started to eat the pie. “So when are you going to call?” Mabel started to ask, “You wanna call now? I don’t have a phone! We can put it on a credit card. Let’s get a credit card!”

 

“None of that Mabel.” Skyla said, “Credit cards are a bit too much at the moment.”

 

“Than let’s get a cellphone!” Mira said.

 

“Hey guys.” Stan said to them, “Let a man enjoy his pie, huh?”

 

Soon enough Mira had spotted Dipper and Gary just outside of the diner. Mabel had noticed them as well and she started to knock on the window.

 

“ **HEY DIPPER! GARY!** ” She exclaimed, “ **IT’S ME MABEL! I’M LOOKING THROUGH THIS GLASS, RIGHT HERE! THIS IS MY VOICE! I’M TALKING TO YOU FROM INSIDE!** ”

 

Dipper and Gary seemed to have get the idea and went inside the diner to go sit with them.

 

“Did you guys see me through the--”

 

“Yeah, we did.” Gary said.

 

Mira noticed the look on their faces, “Is there something wrong?” She asked with concern.

 

“I don’t we want to talk about it Mira.” Dipper said.

 

“Good.” Stan said with his mouth full of food.

 

Mira said to them, “Dipper come on. Don’t you always tell me it’s better to talk about things?” Dipper sighed, “It’s just that these bull humanoids were hanging out with me and Gary, but then they wanted us to do this really tough horrible thing, but it just wasn’t right, so…”

 

“So we couldn’t do it in the end.” Gary said, “Thought I don’t think they were too happy about it.”

 

Mira gave them both a comforting pat on the shoulder when they saw how down they were. Though they perked up when Stan had said to them, “You were own man and you both stood up for yourselves.”

 

Dipper and Gary looked to him, “Wait, what?” Dipper said.

 

“What do you mean?” Gary asked.

 

Skyla had clarified for them, “What he means is that, you both stood up for yourself, even when no one agreed with you.”

 

“Sounds pretty manly to me.” Stan said as he continued to eat the pie, “But hey, what do I know?”

 

Dipper and Gary couldn’t help but smile at this.

 

Mira smiled but noticed something else, from her brother, “Wait a second… Mabel are you seeing this?” She said to her sister.

 

“See what?” Dipper asked curiously.

 

Mabel squinted, and crawled over the table to take a closer look, “Dipper… You have a chest hair!”

 

Dipper gasped before checking. There he saw it, was a single hair on his chest. Dipper cheered as did Gary, “ **HA! HA! THIS IS AMAZING! TAKE THAT MAN TESTER! TAKE THAT PITUITOR!** ”

 

“Pitu-who now?” Skyla said with a quizzical look.

 

“ **THIS GUY HAS CHEST HAIR!** ” Dipper cheered.

 

“ **HOORAY FOR DIPPER!** ” Gary exclaimed. Though that moment was soon short lived when Mabel picked the chest hair with a pair of tweezers. “Scrapbookatunity!” Mabel said putting the chest hair in the scrapbook.

 

“Mabel!” Mira said.

 

“Hey, don’t worry kid.” Stan said, “If he’s anything like me, there’s plenty more where that came from!” Stan ripped opened his shirt, revealing his hairy chest.

 

“ **OH GROSS!** ” Dipper said before laughing. Everyone at the table started to laugh. Though the laughter soon stopped when Skyla said--

  
“Seriously dad, that is gross.”


End file.
